When extra isn't really extra

Today, I walked into a local sportswear store to check for a sale on winter coats for my little one.  As I looked at sale jackets in the children's the clerk asked me if I was interested in anything for me.  

"Sure, do you have any shorts in an XL?"

"Yes, a couple pairs." She handed me two pairs.  The first pair was a size 10 and the second was a 12.  I looked slightly confused and then she apologized.  She didn't apologize for bringing me the wrong size, she apologized because they didn't carry anything 'big' enough for me. 

Right, because I'm plus sized (I wear a size 16) and you won't find many brand name of athletic clothes in anything bigger than a size 14.  But this was crazy, a size 10 is not an extra large, in my memory that was medium.  I've always been a bigger girl, but still athletic.  I run, not fast but I still run.  I run at least 1 1/2 marathon every year and average about 10-15 miles per week.  I lift weights, I ride my bike, I hike and swim but I like to eat and I eat when I'm stressed.  I stress a lot.  

I stress about work, my kids, my friends, my marriage, pretty much about everything and then I eat crap.  So I struggle with my weight and how I feel about it.  There was a time I was more confident but I was never excited about how I looked.  More often I compared myself to the thin girl handing me shorts that she thought were huge.....extra large... and thought, I should look like her, she's what I need to look like.  

But why?  Would I really be happier if I was thinner?  Probably not, I'd pick that apart, too.  I'd want something else.  So what is it then?

I think it's that society "these people" think there's too much of me, in fact I'm extra, extra big.  That's twice as much as they need and that makes me sad, I want to be just the right amount.  I want to be desirable and someone at Patagonia says I'm not, I'm too big.  I'm too be for North Face, I'm too big to be athletic.  But the real fact of the matter is, I'm not.  

I'm not too big for anything.  I'm me and I'm just enough.  So I'll shop somewhere else and I'm spend time with people who don't think I'm too much.  And in the end, the only extra I want is love.