Conflicting feelings

I turned 40 just after Christmas last year and you would assume by this point in my life I would have stopped caring about what other people think long ago. Well, as with most things in my life, I do and I don’t.  Last Sunday, I decided to get in my car and drive to the foot of Mount Sentinel and run up the trail for three miles.  It is about a five minute drive from my house and I have lived near this mountain for a sum total of 30 plus years of my life.  I love to hike and I love to trail run.  Why was this such an event for me?  Well you see, I don’t like doing most things alone.  I still feel very self-conscious about doing certain things by myself.  I run alone on a regular basis but it is running to and from my house and to and from my office.  The idea of driving somewhere that is very popular and busy to run alone was just foreign to me. 

In many ways I am the definition of codependent.  Here is a non-inclusive quick list of things I hate doing alone (I will do them but do not like to):

 

1.       Eating out or going to a bar (I will go to a drive through and eat in my car)

2.       Traveling

3.       Living (I hated not having a roommate/husband/boyfriend)

4.       Going to the movies/ice skating/football game/snowboarding or any recreational activity

5.       Shopping (except for groceries but I prefer company)

 

On the other hand, I’ve done some things that are just the opposite of codependent.  When I was in college, I rushed sororities with my three best friends and all joined different houses.  I didn’t have much of choice because only one offered me a bid but I knew if I was going to have other friends I better stick it out.  I threw up every night I was so anxious but I made it and it was some of the best years of my life.  In my early 20s I decided I needed a major change and walked into the Navy recruiting office and signed up.  I knew no one in the Navy, I had no idea what I was doing and I knew they would send me somewhere without any friends.  I regretted that decision all the way through boot camp but never looked back.  After either years of fair winds and sometimes rough seas I learned who I was and that was a girl who counted on her friends.  I am amazingly loyal but I expect the same from my friends and made some great ones.  Best part was, I never had to be alone, there was always someone there to hang out with, to take care or to take care of me.  

 

So…..I grew and now I should be good right?  I have three kids and I’m 40.  I have a great job and I am pretty sure I can take care of myself.

 

NOPE.

 

I still hate doing all of those things alone.  I did eat at a restaurant alone a couple years ago on a business trip.  It sucked.  I HATED it.  I couldn’t even taste the food and I love food.  All I wanted at that moment was someone to talk to.  

 

This weekend’s run was different.  I wasn’t in my neighborhood where I felt safe and knew I would see friendly faces at the parks and in their yards.  I was on a trail that I had never ran before, the first mile or two was uphill, so I would be running slow.  I wasn’t running at all I was walking.  The nerves had set in way before that.  I took me over an hour to pick my outfit and select the right trail.  It normally takes me about 5 minutes to pick an outfit, lace up my shoes and head out the door.  I debated three parking spots before choosing one.  

 

Fast forward 20 minutes and I was hiking up the side of Mount Sentinel.  It was beautiful.  The weather and the valley.  There were lots of people, lots of dogs.  I had headphones in and was listening to my new favorite podcast (http://nicoledeboom.com/44-mara-abbott-moving-on-from-olympic-heartbreak/).  This episode was about Mara Abbott coming in fourth after leading in women’s cycling during the last Olympics.  She survived having her heart broken on the biggest stage in the world and here I was worried about how I looked climbing a mountain in small town Montana.  What was I afraid of?  Why was I nervous?  

 

I looked around and then I looked inside.  I wasn’t afraid of getting attacked, it can happen where I live, but it was mid-morning and I am not in the demographic that is in the higher risk category.  The other people on the trail were smiling at me, they were saying good morning, their dogs were ignoring me and I am not afraid of dogs.  I didn’t know these people, they didn’t know me.  The trail was beautiful and I was moving at a decent pace and I was wearing a cute outfit.  I had a skirt on over some capris so all my problem areas were covered.  I was wearing a visor and sunglasses so no one would know how worried I looked.  Why was I concerned?  I run races where my running partner and my husband aren’t with me.  I wasn’t just standing around, I was running up a trail.   

 

That’s when I took a deep breath, I was breathing hard from the physical work but that wasn’t the only thing.  I stopped and took a picture.  I started with a landscape and then hit the button for a selfie.  I looked at myself in the screen, I looked fine, actually I looked pretty good.  All of a sudden I relaxed.  I relaxed, I wasn’t afraid.  I wasn’t nervous.  I wasn’t nervous!  This was awesome.  

 

The run was beautiful and I had fun, by the time I got to the bottom of the mountain I felt great.  I survived, I always survive.  After 40 years there isn’t a single thing I have done alone where I have gotten physically hurt because I was alone.  This is going to be my new mantra…..  I got this, it will not hurt me.  This will be the year where I learn to love myself and my company.  I am a good person and a great friend.  I just need to figure out why I don’t want to be friends with myself.  I need to learn to love me.  I got this, it will not hurt me.

 

Next week, I start a trail class with my running club.  I am going to have fun.  I will make friends….but I can run alone.

 

I got this, it will not hurt me.